goodbye

It is so sad that our last call ends with us each saying how much we love each other, as you are rushing to get off the phone because he is coming home and I am late for dinner with her. So fucking sad. And it so fucking unnecessary to settle for less than we would have together.

All I have done these past five months is try to save us for you, for me, and for the children we would have. I have been trying to save the dreams you once had and that you gave me to dream. I will never regret any of these 5 months. The first two, I changed for you and for me, the next three I spent trying to show you. The only thing I will ever be angry with you about is your acting that my difficulty in dealing with you being with him is a sign of instability or anything like that. You have been simply looking for anything to think less of me.  Everything else is my fault, forever, but this reaction by you was unfair. You couldn’t have handled my being with another and I was able to get through it in a way, for a long time at least. I cannot any more though and I am not going to apologize for that. If I could have sat silently while you are with him, it would mean I don’t love you as I do. You said you wanted me to sit quietly, to wait quietly, but the only way to do that is to do what I have to do now, and that is to move ahead with trying to build a life without you. Each time I started to pull away these months you reached out to me again and that confused me and knocked me off balance.

Right now you are completely unable to see anything but what I was. I understand that problem, even though your perceptions of me are truly wrong at this point. You only needed to spend time with me for that all to be different. It is my fault because of our past that you don’t want to see anything else so you can choose him.  I am sorry I hurt you and I could make it all up to you. I have to say two things about what you wrote in the email — first, I never once enjoyed hurting you as you state in the email. I don’t know why you think that because not even then did I make it seem that way. You saw the pain in me every time and  you knew that, and I have tried to explain things now and why they happened, and if ever the time comes a couples therapist would do wonders for us. Second, you actually think I would cancel the website?  That really shows you have not been paying attention to who I am. At the worst time in our relationship, I would do no such thing and abandon you. Your thinking that is unfair. Maybe one day you will try and not think the worst of me, things that are not even true when I was a bad person for you, and instead try and see who I really have become for you, for us. That would heal so much. You really could because our life would do that and it would make it all worthwhile.

Everything is different about me now, and everything is different about how I would treat you. And that is all you need to feel different. You think you could not trust me, but your heart would if you let it near me. I wish you could see that but you do not want to right now. If you ever want to know the truth, instead of just your fears, I can show you so easily. You haven’t seen me in over 5 months and so much has changed, so much. Maybe months from now or a year, you will see that the summer and fall were a turning point in me and us, a good one. It is and maybe it will not be too late for you to see that, too late for you or me in whatever we are doing in our lives.  You would be free and able to see a separation from our past and a future if ever you want to, because all I have promised is real. It is so safe to dream again and I hope you wake up some day to it before it is too late.

If you are ever alone, if you ever want the love we would have, the life I have promised you, the man I am able to show you I am, contact me.  We love each other so much, and you deserve a life built upon that love because nothing will match it. You don’t love him like that and you know it. I won’t love anyone like I love you.  You deserve the world and the best of everything. Hopefully you realize you deserve more than you are heading for now, because you would have all of those things you love there in your life because you would have to make NO sacrifices or changes you didn’t want, plus the love of a lifetime. You would not lose friends or family because they would see you would have to make no sacrifices at all, that I would be making them all for you and that you would be there with them for us to build our family. And if they care about you, they would accept me into your life, into their life, because they would see how happy I make you.

I will love you forever. I will go off and live my life now, whatever that ends up being. I love you more than anything and more than anyone ever could.  I have not gone from one extreme to another. But now I will not wake up living for you, for us, spending every moment of the day for us, and go to sleep every night dreaming of you. I can’t walk around all day and survive seeing you in everything, seeing every couple together, seeing any child, and fighting back tears. I cannot continue to live for you and us, when every hour of every day I know you may be in the bed of another at that instant.  That is not a life that I can live anymore because it has destroyed me. Plus, this is the step I needed to take in order to leave you alone and give you space, so this really is what you asked of me. Things will be different this time when I pull away from you some and I will take this blog down in a few days as it even being up will make things difficult on me as it will make me want to write you.

You did make me want to have children again, and you taught me to feel loved and to give love, so that is what I am going look for in this relationship or another if this goes nowhere. You made me want it, and I understand what it means to love, to give it, and receive it. Thank you.  That is what I will seek just as you are trying to find that with him. I will have a good life but part of me will always be hoping for the best life —  our life — so for some time I will be hoping you reach out to me so we can have it. I wish you would let me wait for it instead of just hope, but you won’t because you are with him. I could have waited forever for you to heal enough to see me, but that is not possible when you are with another because the pain is too great. It would have been one thing if you were dating, as we both did at times over the years, but this is different and you have said so. You are talking about moving in with him, a future with him, so I have no choice anymore, none, other than to try and do as you are doing. It is the last thing I wanted after the summer of work for us, and the last thing I wanted up to now, but the pain has made me want to be with someone else now. I hope that person is you as soon as possible but for now you are with another so I must try and do the same with another. I am in pain and lonely and that is no way to live another day.

If you ever reach out to me again and I am alone or in nothing too serious, we would make it and you would be happiest, happier than you can imagine. It is not a weakness to want to see me, and it never will be again. It is a strength to want us, because of the life we would have. I don’t want any drama, just a simple life with kids and to spend each day together the rest of our lives.  That is who I am now and these months have been brutal on me because that is all I want, and I want it with you because of how deep our love is and how happy we would be.

Reach out to me if you are alone, or about to be, or you want to talk about getting to know me to see what we would have. You need to be ready for an incredible life, a wonderful partner, and an amazing family because that is exactly what we would have. Most importantly, you need to be open to seeing me for who I am and not just who I was, plus you need to be open to see what we would have, which you are not now. I understand that, but hopefully that changes so that you and I can have such a great life. Nothing will match it. It only takes you being open to it again, somehow I hope you get there because you will never regret it and our life as a family would be incredible. I do not want to hear from you if you are not open at all, because it is just torture for me, and we need so little from you to make it and be great, truly so little because of who I am and what i would show you. So just be alone or ending it with him, and be open a little, and contact me if you get to that point.

I hope you figure out soon if it works with him for a lifetime. I know we do this time. I hope you get to where you are more open to see who I am, because right now you are not at all. I hope that happens soon. I am sorry I could not wait forever for that. I tried for months and it got so close to killing me. I really tried but it hurt too much while you are with him. Please figure out what sort of love you want for your life, for your children, forever and reach out if it is what we have in our hearts because it is so safe to want our dream now.

If you don’t move in with him, or decide that you are not going to, just let me know and tell me you will contact me after some time when you are ready. I will leave you alone now and hope to hear some day you want to talk.  That is all I can hope for and all we need. I just cannot live for us every moment anymore right now because I will die of a heart break the way things are going.  Then there will be nothing left of my heart to give you or anyone, and there is so much good in it now for me and for you.

I know the woman and the love that I threw away, and it will haunt me the rest of my life.  If if only you knew the man that you’re on the verge of throwing away.  The man I am now.  The love and life you are throwing away.  Someone is going to love me so well and so deeply for who I am now, and I hope that person is you.

Goodbye Gaby.

I love you.

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